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Baby Mama Drama

Single Moms out there…..I’m talking to you….

How many of you have non-existent baby-daddys that don’t call, don’t visit, don’t do their part as a parent? ……My guess, is probably a whole lot.

What would you give to have your kids’ father be a part of their life?  Help to raise them….try to be the best dad they can be? …….My guess…..99.99% of you would give a lot…..I know I would.

So, what is a good reason that a mother of 4, with 2 baby-daddys that are fully involved, rotating on a 50/50 custody agreement, one of whom you’re not yet divorced from, would choose to say that her “new man” is going to be the new, better role model for her children????

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU LIVING ON?????  NEW MAN??? You mean, flavor of the week?

Each of these fathers are great Dads. I know because I’m married to one of them; and the other I have seen enough from his interaction with his kids and my step-kids, despite his choice in a hopefully-soon-to-be ex-wife, he would do anything for those kids.

But what makes any sane person want to completely disregard the other parent?  Act like they should not even exist?  Consider the other home JAIL…..to the kids’ faces????  Oh, that’s right, I know why…..because we have RULES.  And when they are BROKEN, there are CONSEQUENCES.  So, instead of being the kids’ best friend, their father is their PARENT.  And of course, because she’s not sane…..she’s very INsane.

Hard concept for some, I guess.  SO FREAKING FRUSTRATING for me!!!!!

I just don’t get it.  And it makes me angry (I’m sure you hadn’t noticed).  I don’t consider myself a perfect mother.  My husband doesn’t consider himself the perfect father.  But we try.  We try to give all our kids the best chance at life possible.  Do we make mistakes? Sure….who doesn’t?  Do our kids always like us?  Negative…..what kid likes doing homework instead of watching TV, playing outside, playing on their phone, going to bed at a decent hour?  None that I know of, but that is what makes a parent different than someone who just wants you to do what you want.

That doesn’t and won’t get you anywhere in life.  Life takes work.  Work takes all different forms.

So, please, if you are a single parent and you have your other ex-half involved, or wanting to be involved, don’t deny them.  Let them do their part as a parent and support it.  We all know the two of you probably hate each other, but you brought kids into the world that deserve to have both of your love and support.

My “Not Perfect But Trying My Best” Family-definitely looks like jail, right?

And if you’re not a single parent but know someone like this……knock some sanity into their thick head, please….their kids and the other half of their parenthood will thank you……I thank you.

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Advice for Divorcing Parents – thoughts from my experience

  1. Put the kids first.  This divorce is because of your problems together, but now, you must think of how to get your kids through it successfully.  Always put their thoughts, feelings, etc., first.  If you can handle total shared custody….50/50 split…do it.
  2. Money is not everything.  This goes for both parties.  My philosophy:  if you don’t want to have a life together anymore you should not rely on that person to take care of you at all.  This does NOT go for support of your children…..read on.
  3. PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT.  If you have an agreement where this is warranted, pay it for goodness’ sake.  The kids have relied on 2 parents thus far to take care of them, so continue that.
  4. DON’T be a gold-digger.  This has to be my biggest pet peeve of divorcing.  Goes with #2, too.  No matter which party is doing the digging, it’s very unflattering.  I don’t believe in alimony.  And child support should be a fair amount…..(hint:  courts do not always establish a fair amount)  For example, my local court thought my children’s father should pay $650/month for 2 kids when he only made $13.00/hour and was being granted quite a bit of time with the kids – over 40%.  That’s almost 30% of his income.  He does have to live and pay bills.  I disagreed, cut it down to $300/month.  (He still didn’t pay or keep up his visitation, but that’s another matter….goes back to #1)
  5. Divorce is not an excuse to behave badly.  No doubt someone behaved badly to get to this point.  To me, it should be a wake up call to start behaving well.  Figure out what you need to change for the better.  This doesn’t mean to try to get the other person back, but figure out how to get a new relationship to work.  Making the same mistakes twice usually doesn’t work out well.  REMEMBER:  your kids are watching.
  6. GET ALONG with the former spouse.  This is SO hard.  There are very few people that can successfully do this.  I am not one of them.  Pretty sure it has to do with the fact that the reason I’m writing this is because of my divorce.  There are so many hurt feelings, but as long as the focus shifts from the relationship between the parents to the relationship between the parent and the kids, it should work.  Again, REMEMBER:  your kids are watching!

I’m no expert, just someone who’s gone through the mess.  I know I’m not perfect.  But I am the one who has stepped up for my children.  My ex could not even handle his visitation of his kids.  He would just not pick them up.  Then he joined the Army full time after being in the reserves and moved.  Ok….good job…you are serving your country, (and because of income deduction orders, taking care of your children financially…..finally). But then he went AWOL, was found again, eventually got out of the Army somehow…(they probably dishonorably discharged him…not sure).  So instead of coming back and restarting life here, he moved to another state and started another family.  In my not-so-expert opinion, he did not follow Rule #1.

So, I’ve come to the point where he is financially taking care of the kids (after a 1 year hiatus) and requesting them to visit (their recent Texas visit – see previous posts here and here.)

Another reason I’m writing this is because of the malarkey my husband and I go through with his ex who is now divorcing her 2nd husband and trying to royally screw him and my husband over….she’s breaking every rule above.

I’m just not sure where the majority of society has gotten the idea that once you divorce, it’s okay to forget your kids.  It’s not their fault you divorced.  Don’t use “child support” as an excuse to suck the other parent dry.  Don’t use “custody” to strip your kids from the other parent…..unless of course there are domestic violence issues…I realize this is a whole separate situation.  But I’m talking about your regular, everyday divorcing couples that just can’t make it work.

Divorce is now your chance to have a better relationship with your kids….without the other parent around….without the bitterness you no doubt harbor against your ex-other-half.  Don’t a lot of parents try to get this one-on-one time with their kids while they’re married?  Seems I’ve heard a lot of that.

Your bottom line is your kids.  Grow them happy and healthy and loved.  Maybe one day they’ll be parents as well, and hopefully they’ll be as good if not better than you are as a parent!  At least that’s what I hope for mine!

Home at Last

It was as I thought.  Both of the kids were a mess. My son gets over it quicker than my daughter.  I had to work the night they came home so I gave my daughter a long hug and a talk. I told her it’s ok to be sad but not ok to stay in her room for hours or days on end.

She was told she couldn’t stay in her room all night.  She came out and though I’m sure she has shed some more tears, she is not moping.  We bought some crafts for her to do since she seemed to develop a fondness for them.

My son on the other hand is just annoyed I will not let him play on the computer all day.  He has to practice for band camp next week but of course does not want to!

And so, we are back to our normal life.  Teenage angst. YAY!

Cole Ryan

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