Baby Mama Drama

Single Moms out there…..I’m talking to you….

How many of you have non-existent baby-daddys that don’t call, don’t visit, don’t do their part as a parent? ……My guess, is probably a whole lot.

What would you give to have your kids’ father be a part of their life?  Help to raise them….try to be the best dad they can be? …….My guess…..99.99% of you would give a lot…..I know I would.

So, what is a good reason that a mother of 4, with 2 baby-daddys that are fully involved, rotating on a 50/50 custody agreement, one of whom you’re not yet divorced from, would choose to say that her “new man” is going to be the new, better role model for her children????

WHAT PLANET ARE YOU LIVING ON?????  NEW MAN??? You mean, flavor of the week?

Each of these fathers are great Dads. I know because I’m married to one of them; and the other I have seen enough from his interaction with his kids and my step-kids, despite his choice in a hopefully-soon-to-be ex-wife, he would do anything for those kids.

But what makes any sane person want to completely disregard the other parent?  Act like they should not even exist?  Consider the other home JAIL…..to the kids’ faces????  Oh, that’s right, I know why…..because we have RULES.  And when they are BROKEN, there are CONSEQUENCES.  So, instead of being the kids’ best friend, their father is their PARENT.  And of course, because she’s not sane…..she’s very INsane.

Hard concept for some, I guess.  SO FREAKING FRUSTRATING for me!!!!!

I just don’t get it.  And it makes me angry (I’m sure you hadn’t noticed).  I don’t consider myself a perfect mother.  My husband doesn’t consider himself the perfect father.  But we try.  We try to give all our kids the best chance at life possible.  Do we make mistakes? Sure….who doesn’t?  Do our kids always like us?  Negative…..what kid likes doing homework instead of watching TV, playing outside, playing on their phone, going to bed at a decent hour?  None that I know of, but that is what makes a parent different than someone who just wants you to do what you want.

That doesn’t and won’t get you anywhere in life.  Life takes work.  Work takes all different forms.

So, please, if you are a single parent and you have your other ex-half involved, or wanting to be involved, don’t deny them.  Let them do their part as a parent and support it.  We all know the two of you probably hate each other, but you brought kids into the world that deserve to have both of your love and support.

My “Not Perfect But Trying My Best” Family-definitely looks like jail, right?

And if you’re not a single parent but know someone like this……knock some sanity into their thick head, please….their kids and the other half of their parenthood will thank you……I thank you.

Advice for Divorcing Parents – thoughts from my experience

1. Put the kids first.  This divorce is because of your problems together, but now, you must think of how to get your kids through it successfully.  Always put their thoughts, feelings, etc., first.  If you can handle total shared custody….50/50 split…do it.
2. Money is not everything.  This goes for both parties.  My philosophy:  if you don’t want to have a life together anymore you should not rely on that person to take care of you at all.  This does NOT go for support of your children…..read on.
3. PAY YOUR CHILD SUPPORT.  If you have an agreement where this is warranted, pay it for goodness’ sake.  The kids have relied on 2 parents thus far to take care of them, so continue that.
4. DON’T be a gold-digger.  This has to be my biggest pet peeve of divorcing.  Goes with #2, too.  No matter which party is doing the digging, it’s very unflattering.  I don’t believe in alimony.  And child support should be a fair amount…..(hint:  courts do not always establish a fair amount)  For example, my local court thought my children’s father should pay $650/month for 2 kids when he only made $13.00/hour and was being granted quite a bit of time with the kids – over 40%.  That’s almost 30% of his income.  He does have to live and pay bills.  I disagreed, cut it down to $300/month.  (He still didn’t pay or keep up his visitation, but that’s another matter….goes back to #1)
5. Divorce is not an excuse to behave badly.  No doubt someone behaved badly to get to this point.  To me, it should be a wake up call to start behaving well.  Figure out what you need to change for the better.  This doesn’t mean to try to get the other person back, but figure out how to get a new relationship to work.  Making the same mistakes twice usually doesn’t work out well.  REMEMBER:  your kids are watching.
6. GET ALONG with the former spouse.  This is SO hard.  There are very few people that can successfully do this.  I am not one of them.  Pretty sure it has to do with the fact that the reason I’m writing this is because of my divorce.  There are so many hurt feelings, but as long as the focus shifts from the relationship between the parents to the relationship between the parent and the kids, it should work.  Again, REMEMBER:  your kids are watching!

I’m no expert, just someone who’s gone through the mess.  I know I’m not perfect.  But I am the one who has stepped up for my children.  My ex could not even handle his visitation of his kids.  He would just not pick them up.  Then he joined the Army full time after being in the reserves and moved.  Ok….good job…you are serving your country, (and because of income deduction orders, taking care of your children financially…..finally). But then he went AWOL, was found again, eventually got out of the Army somehow…(they probably dishonorably discharged him…not sure).  So instead of coming back and restarting life here, he moved to another state and started another family.  In my not-so-expert opinion, he did not follow Rule #1.

So, I’ve come to the point where he is financially taking care of the kids (after a 1 year hiatus) and requesting them to visit (their recent Texas visit – see previous posts here and here.)

Another reason I’m writing this is because of the malarkey my husband and I go through with his ex who is now divorcing her 2^nd husband and trying to royally screw him and my husband over….she’s breaking every rule above.

I’m just not sure where the majority of society has gotten the idea that once you divorce, it’s okay to forget your kids.  It’s not their fault you divorced.  Don’t use “child support” as an excuse to suck the other parent dry.  Don’t use “custody” to strip your kids from the other parent…..unless of course there are domestic violence issues…I realize this is a whole separate situation.  But I’m talking about your regular, everyday divorcing couples that just can’t make it work.

Divorce is now your chance to have a better relationship with your kids….without the other parent around….without the bitterness you no doubt harbor against your ex-other-half.  Don’t a lot of parents try to get this one-on-one time with their kids while they’re married?  Seems I’ve heard a lot of that.

Your bottom line is your kids.  Grow them happy and healthy and loved.  Maybe one day they’ll be parents as well, and hopefully they’ll be as good if not better than you are as a parent!  At least that’s what I hope for mine!

Home at Last

It was as I thought.  Both of the kids were a mess. My son gets over it quicker than my daughter.  I had to work the night they came home so I gave my daughter a long hug and a talk. I told her it’s ok to be sad but not ok to stay in her room for hours or days on end.

She was told she couldn’t stay in her room all night.  She came out and though I’m sure she has shed some more tears, she is not moping.  We bought some crafts for her to do since she seemed to develop a fondness for them.

My son on the other hand is just annoyed I will not let him play on the computer all day.  He has to practice for band camp next week but of course does not want to!

And so, we are back to our normal life.  Teenage angst. YAY!

Coming Home

My kids come home tomorrow!!!!!! Yay!!! I can’t wait! I’ve missed them a bunch. They’ve been with their sperm donor dad in Texas for 4 weeks.  I know my son is ready to come home.  My daughter…probably not so much.  They have a baby brother from their responsible dad and stepmom and she is in love.  Apparently the baby loves her too.  He’s only 3 months old and smiles at her like no one else.  I can’t help it, but that’s the part that makes me sad.  I don’t think she wants to come home.  I’m in for days of crying from her.

I wish there was something that I could do to make her feel better about coming home.  She’s very much an introverted child.  Not much gets her excited, either.  She’s not the girl that likes to shop (me neither, apparently where she gets it), she likes to sit in her room and draw, write or read.  But, apparently she’s been doing crafts with stepmom while they’ve been at their dad’s.  So maybe I can take her to the craft store and get her a project to work on.

This is probably the last time they’ll see their dad for another year, at least.  And I highly doubt he’ll call much.  He just doesn’t and I don’t know why.  I’ve tried to tell him they need to hear from him even if they can’t see him but he doesn’t seem to care.

Oh well, I will do my best to be the best parent I can with my husband.  That’s all I can do.

Missing….

….my children.  I allowed them to go to their father in Texas for 4 weeks.  They’ve been gone for 2 weeks and 2 days….not that I’m counting or anything.  They were totally excited.  Along with him not paying child support for the better part of the last year, he had also not seen them at all, and probably only called them a total of 5 times.  I was not excited to let them go.  But to be the bigger person, and for the children’s sake, definitely not their father’s, I let them go.

They seem to be having a blast.  They have a new baby brother (the reason for 3 of their father’s calls to them in the last year, and they came in the last 2 months).  I have all sorts of mixed feelings on this one.  Their father and I didn’t want more than 2 children.  We felt it was unfair to the two of them, while we were married of course, to bring more children to a world where it’s hard to give enough attention to them, let alone financial support.  For a long time, I worked overtime and 2-3 jobs to help support us, and their father did his part too.  Well, when we divorced, my financial situation didn’t get any better, and his ended up getting worse.  He quit a job he had for years, joined the Army, but then quit that.  Needless to say, after getting out of the Army (must’ve literally been days) and not having a job at all, he and wife #2 decided to get pregnant.  Now, sure, could’ve been an accident…..yah, right…..35 and 36 year olds that have their own children should really know how that happens and how to avoid it….especially when you can’t provide for your existing ones.  Therein lie my ill feelings.  And yet, my children are enamored, as they should be.   Ugh.

I digress.  I miss my children.  My son seems to reciprocate this.  He makes sure he calls everyday.  My daughter, on the other hand, seems she could not care less that she’s not around me.  I try to talk to her and get nothing….tell her I miss her and love her and hear crickets chirping.  She’s never been the most talkative, but she was always pretty lovey.  The last year or so she’s gotten away from that.  She’s 11, maybe just a phase she’s going through.  You just always expect more affection from your girl than your boy…well, I do at least.  Makes me just a bit sad.

What’s going to hurt worse is that when she gets back from being with her father, she’ll be a wreck.  She always cries for days after he’s gone.  This is the part I HATE about us being divorced.  The hurt it put on the kids.

So for the next week and 3 or 4 days, I will continue to miss them, continue to call and remind them of this, and hope that by that time they will both miss me and want to come back home.  I dread that they might not want to.  And if they don’t, I don’t quite know how to handle that.

 

My son, Kevin, the goofball that he is!

And my gorgeous girl, Kendalyn!

Since my last rant, I have kept up my denunciation of facebook.  And *gasp* yes, it can be lived without!  I really think that I don’t need to be nosing into 100+ of my closest friends’ lives. (that’s right, only 100, I was never the social butterfly) Nor do I think they miss me.

Social media seems great.  In fact, what I’m doing here is an outlet of it as well, I just feel much more obscure.  I just think it gives people a way to say and do things they would never do in person.  Which, I admit, can be helpful.  I’m using it as an outlet to get thoughts out…granted, I say these thoughts out loud….usually very loud…anyway.  Putting them in print just seems to help me remember them.

What I don’t agree with is letting it take over your whole existence.  I know some that post their every breath, but yet can’t take the time to pick up the phone or answer an e-mail to a friend or family.  E-mail…really, when you can’t even answer that anymore, what is the world coming to?!

I send the occasional text, e-mail, facebook message (when I participated), but I always followed up in person or by phone call (the antiquated device that is held up to the ear to speak through 🙂 )  My teenage boys do not understand this concept.  If they can’t text, life is over.  I am all for technological advances, but to live in the world for a period of time, there does have to be face to face, and at the very least, voice conversation.  Trying to get them to understand this is like reinventing the wheel.

My stepson, as I’ve mentioned in the past, has a facebook account.  I do not agree but am not the person that counts for much say-so, therefore, has no stake in the discussion.  My son, on the other hand, is not allowed to have one.  And I am sticking with this.  I’m trying to get him to realize that it is not all it’s cracked up to be.  My stepson has so many friends, when they send him a message, if he receives it on his phone he can’t see their picture and therefore has no clue who they are by name only.  And I’m sure all his friends are the same way.  Does this sound messed up to anyone else but me?   Facebook can get pretty personal, sharing pictures, locations, every move you make.  For teens, I’ve noticed they can talk about some pretty racy topics all on their wall for all to see.  I do not agree.  Trying to have the boys understand this is like a foreign language.  They don’t see anything wrong.

Now spouting this out could be seen as a bit hypocritical, but I don’t think so.  I’m not saying anything I don’t say out loud to friends and family.  I just think social media has made us so impersonal as a society.  While seeing the pros of it, I see the cons as well.  People need to realize there’s more to life than print.  There has to be some personal contact.  Most people end up having jobs where they have to be social in person.  I just hope that I’m teaching my kids well enough.  I want them to be able to function in person with peers and adults.  Hopefully they’ll see this one day.

Life keeps getting so complicated. 

My stepson hates me and professes it to everyone on facebook.  (I have since denounced facebook.  I believe it is the root of all evil at this point.)  His mother is a wreck, going through a divorce and trying to take the kids to another school district.  She forgets there’s another parent in this situation who has a say so.  This just leads to more lawyer fees and court dates.

My children’s father wants them to go to Texas to visit him for the summer but refuses to talk to me about it.  So he just tells the kids about it.  Ummm, they can’t go anywhere without my permission and their first plane trip will not be alone to Texas.   And did I mention, he owes over $11,000 in child support?

My mother-in-law is in a hospital in South Carolina unable to speak or care for herself and needs to go to a nursing home soon.

I really did not start a blog to be negative.  But it seems that’s a lot of what I am.

I’m going to try to be positive.

I just finished another college semester with a 4.0 grade average!!

I love my job as a dispatcher for the Sheriff’s office!!  I’m almost done with my training.  Two more weeks and I’ll be on my own!

I love my husband!  I have been mean and just plain nasty to him because of everything going on, but he loves me anyway.     And he takes care of my 2 children because their father won’t.

My kids are healthy and for the most part, happy.  I do have one teenager.  That equals moody ridiculousness at times, but mostly happy.

I was told once that without all the negatives and “issues” that make life so hard, there would be no life.  I suppose that’s true.  I just wish the tables could turn and the negatives could be so much less than the positives.

2012 – day 2

This would be my mr. wonderful. We took the kids bowling and in my eyes, at least,  had a blast! Family stuff is what I hope to continue in 2012.  We can’t afford to “do stuff” all the time but hopefully we can spend meaningful time together …..without being stressed over life!